Wednesday, June 1, 2011

She (GBE2 Success

There she sat. Again. On that old couch which was covered in tattered and torn blankets trying to hide the fact the the couch itself was tattered and torn. Oxymoronic, right. She knew she should get up and do something, anything. But there she sat unmoving, restless, alone. So unlike anything she had ever dreamed for herself. She wasn't always like this, it was just one of those times where the world seemed to be too much. So she just turned away from everything for a bit.

The phone rang. She didn't answer. She didn't want to make excuses to not go on whatever adventure awaited her on the other end of the call. She wanted to go. She wanted to just say yes. She just couldn't, not today. Maybe tomorrow she would. Maybe tomorrow she'd be the one making the call.

That was how it worked for her. Days, sometimes weeks of self-imposed solitude and negativity. Climbing up from those times was hard. The task itself making her feel sad, alone and useless. She'd fight the magnetic pull of the couch cushions with every fiber of her being, only to sink back down on the cushions and dampen them with tears.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow, she'd feel better. Tomorrow, she'd do something. Tomorrow she'd get up and call a friend. Tomorrow.

For now, anger mixed with the sadness. Anger at the world for everything, even though even as she was projecting that anger, she knew she wasn't really angry at the postman for being late. She was angry at herself for being unable to be normal. To be like everyone else who got up and went about their day. Making plans and sticking to them.

She'd lay on that couch and tell herself tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow she would go for a walk. She would do the laundry and dust the living room.

A little voice said do it now. That voice was quickly silenced and the pull of the couch won, again.

Late late at night she finally dragged herself up off that tattered couch. Feeling tired and hopeless. Only actually moving because the one thing she wouldn't do was spend the entire night on the couch. She climbed the stairs, all fifteen of them, and prepared for bed. She avoided the mirror. She didn't want to see what she had become. It wasn't a reflection that she'd ever recognize as who she wanted to be. No what she saw was old, tired and ugly. Unlovable. So with the lights out she'd brush the tangles from her hair, strip off her clothes and climb into bed. Lying on her back she'd look up and feel the tears burning behind her eyes she'd feel them spilling out the corners and rolling into her hair.

"God, thank you for the people who love me even though I push them away. Thank you for bringing them into my life. Please help and guide them tomorrow. Please, help and guide me too. Help me..... to live."

She rolled over, pulled the blanket up over her head and fought the tears, trying to go asleep without thinking about bad stuff. Bad stuff brought bad dreams. And if she had any hope of waking with a bit of hope, she couldn't dream of her failures. But in trying to avoid thinking of them that is all she focused on. Every tiny thing that was wrong in her life. They twisted and grew as she slept. Morphing into great beasts holding her down telling her she wasn't worth her dreams. She didn't matter. She was worthless.

The cat snoozing on the window sill watched her as she tossed and turned fighting her demons through the night. She'd wake up several times choking on tears. She'd get up and without turning the lights on stumble to the bathroom and back. Falling back to bed and fighting once again to see the bright side of anything at all.

Sometime during the night the big mottled brown cat made it's way over to the bed and curled up tight against her trying to soothe her.

It must have worked because she settled down and fell into a deep dreamless sleep.

She woke the next day. Still tired. The cat was on the window sill again. She scratched it's head and filled it's dishes. She wandered to the bathroom to prepare for the day ahead.

Going down the stairs she walked past the couch and into the kitchen. The cat padded along behind, just watching. She opened the refrigerator and pulled out eggs, milk and cheese.

Halfway through making the omelet she realized it had happened. The darkness wasn't so dark today. The sun through the window felt good and her reflection in the toaster wasn't as hideous as she might imagine.

She smiled. Today would be a success. Depression wouldn't win today. She had once again risen above the darkness. But for how long.... Don't think about that right now. Right now relish the sun and live!


Chickee said...

Well commenting worked on my own blog by changing it to a pop up window.... *sigh*

Stephtee said...

I suffer from depression. That is exactly what it like for me sometimes. There have been days, weeks, and regrettably sometimes months where it is a true struggle just to make it through one day to the next. This was fantastic Chickee, thank you for posting it :)

Langley said...

That's right -- for today, relish the sun and live! Success.

Jenn said...

Sometimes success comes in small measures...and little by little the do add up. Great post...I felt her through all of this :)

Cheers, Jenn

Eccentricity said...

It happens that way sometimes--that's why I'm on meds. Excellent write.

Joyce Lansky said...

I like the way the cat followed. No matter how I am feeling or how lousy I look, I always have a parade of animals following me around my house. They see me as a huge success!


Chickee said...

@ Stephtee, So maybe this bit of fiction wasn't all fiction... I understand. Thank you for understanding too.

@Langley, Yep. I plan on it. =)

@Jenn, sometimes it is hard to see the little successes but you are correct they add up. =)

@E! I love you! Maybe someday she will accept the help of medication. maybe. =)

@Joyce, animals seem to know more than we do. I have 2 dogs who are more aware of my moods than I am at times. And I had a cat who for a few months insisted on curling up tucked tight in to my stomach at night. Turned out I had cancer in my uterus. She knew long before I had symptoms. Amazing aren't they. I can not imagine not having animals around me. =)

Anonymous said...

That is wonderful writing.

Chickee said...

Thank you Diana. =)

Anonymous said...

Yay! I can finally comment!

Like I told you on your page, I understand her and love her. She is my sister.

It’s blog award time!

Chickee said...

Thank You Beth. She follows me way too often. But I love her.


Anonymous said...

From the first couple of lines, I knew you were talking about depression. I don't know who was actually depressed, but was deeply moved by their faith and willingness to pray for others when they were at their lowest. Thank you for the inspiration and humility in this blog.

Chickee said...

Thank you Beachlover, you touched my heart with your comment. She is me. Sometimes it's a struggle but I know there is light and I hold tight to that belief when life gets dark. <3